Question of Intent - II
What is my intention? What is my intention? What the god damn fucking hell is my intention?
I
don’t god damn fucking hell know what the hell my fucking intention is. I don’t even know when the last time I had a
clear intention was. Vague intentions
now and again: leave point A, go to point B, spend time with C, create D. but the details have always been beyond
caring. I do what I do and that’s what
I will do.
And
now everyone wants to know what the fuck my intention is? Why the hell do I need an intention? Can I eat an intention? Can I drink an intention? Will an intention put a roof over my head?
There
isn’t so much that is quite so useless as an intention. An intention is what? It’s an idea; nothing tangible to it. And to follow an intention doesn’t
necessarily take you were you set out to be going, so you might as well just go
off in any old direction and see if it gets you somewhere just as pleasant.
I
have the intention that I want to go to grad school. Why is that too fucking nebulous? I’ve gone to other schools and I don’t remember giving them any
more certain intentions. But then I
don’t know if I ever actually wrote my own letters of intention. I don’t even know if they required letters
of intention. How little did I deal
with the application process?
All
this bullshit just wears me down and makes me depressed. It doesn’t make any sense to me any
more. I don’t know why I want to go to
grad school. I don’t know what I want
to do when I am there. I don’t know
what I want to do when I leave. I don’t
know what I want to do while I’m not in grad school.
I
have no answers. I’m not even sure I
want answers. I just want the whole fucking
problem to go away.